New Beginnings

If you found encouragement in the reflections on this blog, I invite you to join me at the new home of iron acres now, 91-1.

But not held

--from Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: The Prayers of Walter Brueggemann

Struggling

I awoke this morning from a bad dream.  A dream about struggle and overcoming evil that would not die. I wondered what evil in my heart is winning a battle for my soul.  The dream gave my morning prayer more conviction, 

 "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit." Psalm 51:10-12 (KJV)

Later,  I found the reminder that today is Ash Wednesday.  I did not grow up in a "liturgical" denomination, and only became aware of the church calendar, surprisingly, in my music studies in college.  Much of what we know as classical music was written to celebrate the church year. 

As part of her reflection on today, Ruth Haley Barton writes "Lent is the season in which winter and spring struggle with each other for dominance—in the outer world and in our own souls. . .  Oftentimes, the practice of entering into the Lenten season has been reduced to the question: 'What are you giving up for Lent?' This is a fine question but it can only take us so far. The real question of the Lenten season is how will I clear out the junk and garbage in my life so that I can be restored to God in some fresh way? What are the disciplines that will open up space for God to create a clean heart and new spirit in me?"

"What will I give up" becomes, for me, Who will I make room for?

A Prayer for Entering into Lent
I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word. And, to make a right beginning of repentance, and as a mark of our mortal nature,let us now kneel before the Lord, our maker and redeemer. Amen.
~Book of Common Prayer

* * * * *

The Discipline of Fasting

It used to be a rhythm of my life, like breathing.  Each Friday I would turn away from the table and spend that time quieting my soul, being nourished only by His Presence deep within my spirit.  I found a stillness in that rhythm until the mothering of children and duties of work caused me to step into other ones.

Just last week, that rhythm visited me again, in the same manner it had the first time:  organically.  The busyness of the day, the involvement in the duties, swept me from moment to moment until, finally, I noticed, that evening, that my day's nourishment had been completely spiritual. The fast continued into the next evening, but it wasn't until the morning of the third day that I noticed the stillness.  Sitting quietly at my desk, I felt a deep sense of profound contentment.

A wonderfully satisfying contentment that can only come from the true source of life.

Psalm 131
  "My heart is not proud, O LORD,
       my eyes are not haughty;
       I do not concern myself with great matters
       or things too wonderful for me.

 ² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
       like a weaned child with its mother,
       like a weaned child is my soul within me.

 ³ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
       both now and forevermore." (NIV)

He had led my distracted, whining heart lovingly to that place, weaned from the noise always whirring around and within me-- the distractions I too often embrace--that I might enjoy that moment of supreme peace.

Alone.

With Him.

I wasn't "trying to be spiritual". I wasn't trying to manipulate God to see things my way.  I wasn't asking for anything.  He just met me in the ordinary events of my day because it pleased Him.

Because He loves me.

Each physical hunger pain produced by fasting reminds me of the true source of nourishment, of eternal satisfaction."Taste and see that the LORD is good"

The spiritual disciplines are not requirements that we must meet to manipulate our Father God into loving us, they are tools to enlarge our selfish, shrivelled hearts to better love Him and those around us.

Practices that help us breathe...

...and live..

....and love,  in tune with the rhythms of His heart.

"Discipline is not something you do TO yourself--it is what you do FOR yourself."  Lou Holtz

Other thoughts about fasting:

"Fasting--the voluntary abstention from an otherwise normal function--most often eating--for the sake of intense spiritual activity." The Life With God Bible

* * * * *

Suggestions for Fasting and Feasting:
"Fast from discontent; feast on thankfulness. Fast from worry; feast on trust. Fast from anger; feast on patience. Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others. Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayers . Fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness. Fast from discouragement, feast on hope. Fast from media hype, feast on the honesty of the Bible. Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence. Fast from problems that overwhelm; feast on prayer that undergirds." Anonymous

* * * * *

"Prayer is reaching out after the unseen; fasting is letting go of all that is seen and temporal. Fasting helps express, deepen, confirm the resolution that we are ready to sacrifice anything, even ourselves to attain what we seek for the kingdom of God." Andrew Murray

* * * * *

"We tend to think of fasting as going without food. But we can fast from anything. If we love music and decide to miss a concert in order to spend time with God, that is fasting. It is helpful to think of the parallel of human friendship. When friends need to be together, they will cancel all other activities in order to make that possible. There's nothing magical about fasting. It's just one way of telling God that your priority at that moment is to be alone with him, sorting out whatever is necessary, and you have cancelled the meal, party, concert, or whatever else you had planned to do in order to fulfil that priority." J. I.Packer

* * * * *

"In Shansi I found Chinese Christians who were accustomed to spend time in fasting and prayer. They recognized that this fasting, which so many dislike, which requires faith in God, since it makes one feel weak and poorly, is really a Divinely appointed means of grace. Perhaps the greatest hindrance to our work is our own imagined strength; and in fasting we learn what poor, weak creatures we are - dependent on a meal of meat for the little strength which we are so apt to lean upon." Hudson Taylor

* * * * *

"Do you have a hunger for God? If we don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because we have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because we have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Our soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great. If we are full of what the world offers, then perhaps a fast might express, or even increase, our soul's appetite for God. Between the dangers of self-denial and self-indulgence is the path of pleasant pain called fasting." John Piper

* * * * *

Eye Delight

My struggle's not how hard the way

Another's walked it for me

my struggle's not how much the price

Another's for me paid

My struggle's with my flesh, desire

What keeps me from Him

Those things so light and moment'ry

That seem so real, yet dim

My struggle's with eye's lust, delight

The pride that seethes within

Let me ne'er forget Love's words

"Come unto me, find rest"

Let me overcome the fleeting

good for what is Best

Help me gladly bear the weight

of Glory placed within

Oh may I be His eye's delight

When journey comes to end

And Yet

A dear journey friend I met on the internet wrote these words,

"Love comes in the surrender, the falling."

I don't like to fall. It's the falling I fear most as I grow older, the loss of independence that comes with fractures. I wonder if I'm also fearful of soul fracture. I don't want to be broken.

And yet, I am.

I was born broken. In many pieces. I've tried so hard to glue them all together with rules, with behavior modification, with "being good."   But it's useless. The glue is broken too.  I'm useless.

And yet, I'm not.

I am perfect in Him, the Him "who loved me and gave Himself for me."

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  Galatians 2:20 NIV

He loves me--broken, angry, rebellious, whining, distracted, selfish.

He loves me.  He pursues my broken heart and offers to make it whole.

For eternity.


"Relinquishment takes us into rugged terrain.  The climb is steep, the rocks are sharp, and the trail passes by precarious ridges.  From every human viewpoint at times it looks like we have fallen over the precipice into our death.  But we know better. We know that we are only falling into the arms of Jesus, fully at rest."  Richard Foster

May we all fall today...into the arms of  Jesus.

Waiting

"Even so we, when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world:
But when the fullness of the time was come, God sent forth his Son, made of a woman, made under the law,To redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons." Galatians 4:3-5 (KJV)

In our secret yearnings

we wait for your coming,

and in our grinding despair

we doubt that you will.

And in this privileged place

we are surrounded by witnesses who yearn more than do we

and by those who despair more deeply than do we.

Look upon your church and its pastors

in this season of hope

which runs so quickly to fatigue

and in this season of yearning

which becomes so easily quarrelsome.

Give us the grace and the impatience

to wait for your coming to the bottom of our toes,

to the edges of our fingertips.

We do not want our several worlds to end.

Come in your power

and come in your weakness

in any case

and make all things new.

Amen.

Walter Brueggeman

Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Brueggemann

Lord, in this holiest of seasons, make me yearn and despair more as I wait.

It's Not About Turkey and Football

It's not about turkey and football, although those have been the main ingredients of most of my 60something Thanksgivings.

It's about giving. And thanks.

We are nourished by the giving and the gratefulness even more than we are nourished by the turkey and dressing and pumpkin pie.

Our souls are nourished by God.

It is in the giving of thanks that we acknowledge the existence of the One who formed us. The One who gives life.

While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body." Matthew 26:26  NIV

The greek word for "thank you" is efharisto.In English, Eucharist. In offering thanks to our Creator, we acknowledge His existence, His presence among us and within us.

His love for us.

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 (NASB)

May your day of giving thanks be filled with joy, family...

...and love.

Now Thank We All Our God

Rejoice evermore; pray without ceasing.In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 KJV

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. NIV

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.TNL

It sounds crazy, but my Dear Husband and I are grateful for the recent events that rocked our world. Coming close to death teaches us what real life is. Our prayer has been that God won't let us forget how grateful we feel for

11.each other
12.almost 34 years together
13.our 3 children (now adults) of promise and our beautiful daughter in love
14.our 3 grandchildren, the Sprittles
15.being blessed with parents who loved us and taught us about Jesus
16.the friends God has given us for our journey on earth
17.laughter
18.the Words of God written in a language we can understand and hold in our hearts
19.conversations about Life
20.the beauty of God reflected in the Christmas cactus blooms beginning to emerge
21.the glory of the skies
22.the kindness of strangers
23.music
24.words of beauty that touch the heart
25.the cloud of faith witnesses through the ages
26.time with family to touch, to listen, to love
27.fond memories of childhood
28.the awe and wonder of the Christmas season ahead
29.joy that arises from hope
30.this gratitude community

A favorite hymn from childhood echoes in my mind these days.

"Now thank we all our God, with heart and hands and voices."

It was written at a time of war and pestilence and lack by a pastor who knew his Redeemer was the sum of all things. I encourage you to read about his story here.

Now thank we all our God

With heart and hands and voices

Who wondrous things hath done,

In whom his world rejoices;

Who from our mothers’ arms,

Hath blessed us on our way

With countless gifts of love,

And still is ours today.

Won't you join me as I join others in the impossible--the recounting of those "countless gifts of love" at the gratitude community?

Gratitude

In the dim, he sleeps and I sit, listening to the tick tick of the iv drip. A thin ribbon of red flows from overhead. My eyes fix on the words "volunteer donor."

Today I offer a prayer of thanks and blessing to "volunteer donor" for his/her precious gift to my Dear Professor. They are an army of 5 before the day is done.

Five, the number of grace. How can I say thanks for such a treasure?

But there are more. A multitude. I offer gratitude to:

the calm voice answering the 911 call;

the emergency team who whisk him off into the night, sirens blaring, lights flashing, down our country road;

a young friend who leaves husband and child to surprise me in the ER asking, "how are you?";

a smile and hug from an old acquaintance now working in the hospital;

a brief visit from far away friends bringing a prayer, a touch, and a meal to nourish my body as their friendship nourishes my soul;

the skilled hands of paramedics, nurses, doctors, technicians offering compassion and care;

our scattered family supporting us over the miles with calls, prayers, email;

our faith community, encouraging and journeying with us;

Our Father, Great Physician, Giver of life, Quieter of fearful minds, Restorer, Redeemer;

There are more for tomorrow, but that is a start for today. My heart is full. My eyes overflow as I lean against my Dear Professor's chest and listen... to his heart... beat.

In the dim, he sleeps and I sit. Thankful.

(note: The above was written 3 days ago. My Dear Professor continues his recovery, gaining strength each day. For that I continue to be thankful.)

You

And then you

We arrange our lives as best we can,

to keep your holiness at bay,

with our pieties,

our doctrines,

our liturgies,

our moralities,

our secret ideologies,

Safe, virtuous, settled.

And then you--

you and your dreams,

you and your visions,

you and your purposes,

you and your commands,

you and our neighbors.

We find your holiness not at bay,

but probing, pervading,

insisting, demanding,

And we yield, sometimes gladly,

sometimes resentfully,

sometimes late...or soon.

We yield because you, beyond us, are our God.

We are your creatures met by your holiness,

by your holiness made our true selves.

And we yield. Amen.

Old Testament theology/October 15, 1998

from the book, Awed to Heaven, rooted in earth: prayers of Walter Brueggemann

Songs

It is an old song, passed down to me by my spiritual ancestors. One that has been sung in many places and many tongues. A song of celebration, a song of hope.

"His love endures forever."

She said, "sing the song in your words, from your experience."

I felt it a sacrilege to tamper with tradition. This is the song of my ancestors. And yet...this is my song too.

"His love endures forever."

So I sat with the song. I listened to the Writer's voice. Then I haltingly began to sing Jas's 136th.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord, the God of gods, His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord, the Lord of lords, His love endures forever.
To Him who alone does great things, His love endures forever.
Who gave me life, both physical and spiritual, His love endures forever.
Who loves me with an everlasting love, His love endures forever.
Who gives me health and understanding, His love endures forever.
The example of faith filled parents, His love endures forever.
A godly husband, lover of truth and full of wisdom, His love endures forever.
Three children of promise, His love endures forever.
And three grandchildren of joy, His love endures forever.
Who so fashioned and numbered my days, His love endures forever.
That I might know and walk with Him, His love endures forever.
Giving me friends for the journey, His love endures forever.
Who love me and safely hold my heart, His love endures forever.
Whose tender hand brings both darkness to create desire, His love endures forever.
And light to satisfy, His love endures forever.
Who delights in my existence, His love endures forever.
Who raises up truth at the core of my being, His love endures forever.
And casts down idols of pretense, His love endures forever.
Who purifies and cleanses my soul as fine gold, His love endures forever.
And gently wipes away all tears, His love endures forever.
Who longs to share His life with me, His love endures forever.
That I might bear fruit for Him in old age, His love endures forever.
And know the pleasure of His presence always, His love endures forever.

And so I encourage you, sing the song today in your words, from your experience.

Birthdays

On September 3rd,  I celebrated my 62nd birthday. When I was a little girl, I thought that accomplishing that many years naturally brought with it grace and wisdom. I was wrong. That little girl is still alive in me now, she's just a tad older and more experienced!

Birthdays have always made me a little uncomfortable and self conscious. I have a love/hate relationship between being validated and being the center of attention. And so, on this most recent birthday, I found myself comfortably offering the stage to someone more worthy than I. The sun rose on a thought I had never had before.

My birthday is the observation of that day in time and eternity that my Heavenly Father brought me into existence in order to fulfill his divine purposes in the earth and in His kingdom. I am not my own. 

I spent the day marveling at what He has accomplished thus far and desiring to know what he has for the future.

It was truly humbling to reflect upon the moments of grace that have filled my life. Some were beautiful blossoms.  Some were painful thorns.  All were lovingly gathered into a life transforming bouquet by the Nail Scarred Hand of the One who "gave up heaven and a crown to fill the earth with heaven's sound."

That evening, my dear husband and I attended a student led worship service at the college. The last song, one of my favorites, ends with the words, "all I am is Yours."

We are all created for a purpose, and all we are belongs to that merciful, loving Creator. Through Jesus Christ, the Heavenly Father made available all that He is.

And all we are... is His.

"Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture." Psalm 100:3

Daddy

Last night I was reminded of St. Patrick's Breastplate, a beautiful prayer that speaks of the presence of Christ in my life:

Christ before me

Christ behind me

Christ above me

Christ below me

Christ to left

and Christ to right

Christ within both day and night

It was a good reminder. Because I cannot see His face, hear His voice, feel His touch in the same way I feel, hear, and see others in this world, the hiss of the serpent is too often believed, "you are alone, you are helpless." I suppose that is why community is so important. They are the embodiment of Christ to me, for encouragement, comfort, companionship. And I am the same to them.

Technology has made it possible to reach out to each other on the internet as this post did for me today. The picture of a young father holding his newborn spoke volumes to me about the fatherhood of God, especially the tender love He has for me in my weakness and vulnerability.

"Daddy loves to hold me." 

I encourage you to take a look and experience your Father's love in a new way today.

God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"  Hebrews 13:5-6  (NIV)

 The LORD appeared to us in the past,  saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."  Jeremiah 31:3  (NIV)

Waste

While we were gone on vacation, the garden tractor went on strike, and our large side yard remained unmown for a month. We left a manicured lawn behind and returned to an abundance of Queen Anne's Lace, clover, chicory and lawn daisy. I love taking pictures of them, they are such bright spots in waste places.

As I focused on the chicory bloom by the roadside, I noted a lot of activity from tiny butterflies and bees. That wild bloom was providing life where none had been before.

In man's economy there is an abhorrence of waste. Waste of time, waste of space, waste of money, waste of lives. In God's economy there is no waste. God is redemptive. While we cast off the old for the new, God transforms it.

There have been, and will continue to be, many waste places in my life. Places of pain, regret, humiliation. I would like to throw them all out and forget, but my Creator God finds opportunity for beauty, life, and places of refreshment in my chaos.

The redemptive power of the Cross, my Savior's sacrifice, is making my waste a place of beauty in this world.

Isaiah 61 (KJV)

1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. 4 And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations. 5 And strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the alien shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers. 6 But ye shall be named the Priests of the LORD: men shall call you the Ministers of our God: ye shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory shall ye boast yourselves. 7 For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them. 8 For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them. 9 And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed.10 I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.11 For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

How great is our God!

Hunger

Hunger is a gift.

I just wrote that as a comment on a young friend's blog. I don't know what that will mean to her. I'm not sure what it means to me. I do know God is asking me to sit with that thought for awhile, that there is a treasure to be found hidden in the words.

Hunger is a gift.

At a conference this summer, I heard someone say that God loves me too much to allow me to be satisfied with anything less than Himself, His Presence.

Hunger is a gift.

I just read this in the book Real Church, by Larry Crabb: "Spirit of God, deliver me from the illusion that someone or something available now, in this life, can satisfy my soul so completely that no longing remains unmet."

Hunger is a gift.

Perhaps I need to pray that prayer. I'm delusional. Perhaps I'm living like a dog eating scraps under the table when I could be seated and dining as a daughter.

I fear I am not hungry enough, but I also fear what will bring that hunger--the losses, the unmet expectations, the difficulties, the chaos, the pain.

But "God loves me too much to allow me to be satisfied with anything less than Himself, His Presence." Isn't that what I really desire?

Hunger is a gift.

The Sounds

"14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21 (NIV)

This was the first of many Bible passages to follow that delighted my heart in the early steps of my spiritual journey. It was the 1970s, in a period of political and cultural chaos. God called together five 20somethings to launch out together in a ministry of faith and music that would take us around the US and into a few western European countries. We had no idea what would come of it. We were young and naive, wounded and broken, but excited about our new life in Christ. He had become real for us after years of hearing about Him in dry, stuffy sermons. We were a small part of what would become known as the Jesus Movement.

For a few years the "Sounds of the Spirit" singing group wrote and sang, travelled, listened to great men speak of a great God, wrestled with our demons, and learned a lot about Christian community. And then it was over. Some of us married, all of us scattered to other places.

Last week, in the words of one of our songs, we "spent some time together" again. It took a little transition, you don't jump into a deep emotional sea without first carefully wading into it, but the water and memories were warm.

It was encouraging to see, in the intervening years, God's grace had turned that initial exuberance into a lasting faith, and the brokenness and woundedness into healing and ministry.

I look back on those days with wonder. What raw and flawed material God used, how ignorant we were(how ignorant I still am!). How great the lessons we learned about community, praying for each other, having all things in common, serving each other, trusting Him to provide what we needed. What a wonderful gift of time spent together wholly given to worship and study. What a richness of experience.

I will be forever grateful to those women and one very brave man who comprised our group, for how God used them to teach me about Himself and community. Thank you Pat, Renee, Margo, and Tom for truly being the sound of the Spirit to me.

God did indeed perform immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. May His power continue to work in us, and may all the glory be now and forever His.

Enough

2 Corinthians 6:2-10

"We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. 4Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; 5in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 8through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything."  NIV

I enjoy the privilege of having friends who have taught me through the way they live that the above words are more than faded ink on a musty page. I have watched them over the last 17 years, both up close, and from a distance, and the message retains its clarity and dynamism.

They are people of vision, integrity, intention, in short, of God. And for them, in the midst of a broken and aching heart or shattered dreams, He is enough.

It is a severe mercy, yet God cannot give us what is best until we are willing to let go of what is most precious to us. Like Abraham, sooner or later in life we find ourselves with knife poised and ready to descend upon that thing we have loved more than Life, that thing that is our "child of promise."

This summer I found myself at that altar again.  For now my mind has surrendered.  It takes my heart a little longer.

In the meantime, I find solace in this blessing from the pen of Brennan Manning:

May all your expectations be frustrated.
May all your plans be thwarted.
May all your desires be withered into nothingness.
That you may experience the powerlessness and the poverty of a
child and sing and dance in the love of God the Father, the Son
and the Spirit. Amen

He is enough.

Solitude

"Solitude--The creation of an open, empty space in our lives by purposefully abstaining from interaction with other human beings, so that, freed from competing loyalties, we can be found by God." Life With God Bible

For the past few days I have been attending a Renovare conference in San Antonio, Texas. The first night we were presented with an important question, what did you come here for? That question persisted in my mind as I returned to my room that night.

What did I come here for?

Actually, the question had been forming before that night as I readied myself for the trip. Why was I going? I was going because it was in San Antonio, because we have family there, because it was just a week before our annual trip to Texas, because we were richly blessed at a previously attended Renovare conference.

But this time I was going alone. The separation from my dear husband has been good, it helped me realize how much I value his presence, his wisdom. I have missed him terribly. There were many times previously in our 30something years of marriage in which that would not have been the case.

So, why did I come? I can enjoy quiet and solitude at our home outside a small town. Why fly halfway across the country to a big Texas city? Was I looking for Truth, for God, or for entertainment from Christian celebrities and bragging rights to having been at a big event?

I think I came because I felt I should, a response to an invitation from my Redeemer to meet him here. In the solitude of 2500 fellow attendees, in a big city in Texas.

My coming created an open space in my life, a space where I abstained from the presence of my family and friends, the distractions of routine things so that I could be found by God.

He's a very jealous God, you know. If we fail to take the initiative, He will create those open spaces for us in whatever way is necessary. Whatever way--a trip across country, an emotional breakdown, death, injury. Our competing loyalties are legion.

But His love for us is too great to allow us to settle for anything less than His presence.  And so He creates those open spaces for us, knowing that we are too often too feeble to create them for ourselves.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from Him." Psalm 62:5 

Perfection

"Crown Him the Lord of love, behold His hands and side,
Those wounds, yet visible above, in beauty glorified.
No angel in the sky can fully bear that sight,
But downward bends his burning eye at mysteries so bright." Matthew Bridges, Crown Him With Many Crowns

Our church had a wonderful music director when I was a child. As part of our participation in the choir, he required completion of a booklet that taught us about classic hymns. I remember my vain attempt to depict this one as a robed stick figure of God, sitting on a throne, and arrayed with a layer cake of crowns on his head. I was a very literal child.  I remember my frustration at that assignment, at my inability to produce something worthy of the subject. My drawing fell woefully short of perfection.

I complain loudly and often to God when life doesn't go as I think it should for me, when my expectations of perfection are not met. And yet, He who is holy and perfect allowed himself to be flawed by the ugliness of my sin. Those marks are eternal. They are the means by which, when I see Him face to face, I will recognize Him as my Redeemer.  He who is holy and perfect gladly bears those scars because of his love for me.  It is humbling to be so loved. I think sometimes I cannot fully bear that sight either.

It is too beautiful, too holy.  And I am too unworthy.

I have a new model of perfection. It is a perfect hand marked with a perfect scar that is both awful and wonderful at the same time.

"No angel in the sky can fully bear that sight,
But downward bends his burning eye at mysteries so bright."

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:8-11 (NIV)